I'll Never Understand This Human Sentimentality

NBC's remaking the old series Knight Rider as a TV movie, which is great, because I needed two more hours of television to not watch.  (Where's my Baywatch Nights feature film, huh?  PRIORITIES PEOPLE.)  Ain't It Cool - the website whose very name dares question its own raison d'duh - "reported" on Wednesday that the new voice of KITT, the talking car, will be provided by Arrested Development's Mr. Amy Poehler!  That's really depressing!  Unless KITT sounds exactly like Franklin.  Then I'm in.

Anyway, this "news" reminded me of something I'd run across over at Musical Fruitcake last week:

KITT, The Amazing Car of Tomorrow - A Knight Rider Christmas (mp3)

It's festive!  Seasonal sounding!  Warm?  Fuzzy?

The performer is credited as KITT, the car.  Vroom!  And William Daniels (the original Mr. Amy Poehler) does rap a little.  (Bill!  You were John Adams!  A singing, dancing John Adams!  Dignity, man!)  But the bulk of the heavy breathing's done by an unidentified vocalist.  Which is frustrating.  You want to be able to put a face with the voice, so you can fantasize about putting your fist in that face.

Plot's got something to do with giving Santa a tow.  I have trouble getting past the creepy way our narrator tries to sex up the second syllable of "Christmas."

Hasselhoff doesn't appear.  THIS WAS NOT UP TO DAVID HASSELHOFF'S STANDARDS.  This song is less enticing than a cheeseburger on a floor.

(Want to hear David Hasselhoff sing Christmas carols?  Try therapy Beeb Blog.)

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It's a shame The Hoff didn't come along for the ride.  Guess what Santa was bringing all the good little girls and boys?  Strippers!

Bey Ireland - All I Want for Christmas is a Go-Go Girl (mp3)

Ben Hinds - All I Want for Christmas is a Go-Go Girl (mp3)

Same title, but two completely different songs about exotic dancers and Christmas.  GMTA!  I knew my nativity scene was missing something.

The tunes are actually pretty great, the sort of bright-sounding, spiritually depressing shit that should be played in bars while lonely folks pray their next drink will be the one that'll let them forget there's any sort of holiday happening.  Ireland's rocker starts off funny - "the psychoanalyst says I've really truly been a joy" - but before long his gift is a "real live toy."  Despair's got bells on its garter:  "Jinga-linga.  Jing-jing-a-linga."

Hinds' hillbilly is choosy and sensitive.  "Make her just like all the rest!" he sings.

The Hinds song is from a mix by renowned collector Andy Cirzan, who does an annual hour on Chicago public radio.  Last year's show is still available for download here; this year's should be up soon.  Last year, Cirzan also did a mix for Falalala.com, and that one's even weirder.  It veers from the highly questionable ("Elvin, The Little Black Elf" and "Indian Santa Claus" - probably the only carol to feature the line "We'll scalp them all!") to the wholly inane ("Charlie the Christmas Chimpanzee").  Cirzan doesn't so much rescue treasures from obscurity as release long-dormant diseases.  "‘Christmas Piggy?'  Have I been inoculated for that?"  Bless him.

The Ireland track is from one of the many great mixes at Santa's Working Overtime.  There are bunches of Christmas music blogs out there, some operating year-round.  Got the hankering to hear the Pac-Man Christmas Album?  Christmas a Go Go has the legitimately awesome "Hooray for Santy Claus!" from the classically awful Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.  Twelve Months of Christmas asks:  Why not spend "Christmas at Denny's?"

That's not a rhetorical question!  More of an existential quandary.

tags: christmas music  knight rider  hasselhoff  

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