Heart on a Stick
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The Greatest D’oh on Turf
posted 09/25/2006
If I could just borrow a moment to bitch to my Rams...
Guys. I knew it was going to be a season-long question mark, what with the new coaching staff and all. And I know an ugly win’s a win, and I know I should be grateful if y’all manage even eight uglies, this year.
But when you just casually throw one of these drives together...
...it brings a tear to my eye. If you can do it once, you can do it a thousand times. And you’re supposed to do it a thousand times. You’ll notice I’ve modified the score; granted, it’s still a little low – but that screenshot was taken a little before halftime.
And the final of yesterday’s game at Arizona? 16-14. I went through enough of them John Robinson years where you run, run, run the ball to know that defense is great. In Chicago. (JK, Jim Haslett, OMG I wanna have your babies.)
Two touchdowns in seven games (including four preseason, which don’t count, but let’s), so far, Rams. Unacceptable. I’m not an X’s and O’s guy, but maybe you should adopt a play wherein you all scream, “Look! Behind you! Terrorists!” then bolt for the end zone? Keep that one. It’s yours.
Yesterday was especially tough because I still have feelings for Kurt Warner. I’ll admit it. I know he’s a constantly concussed, wildly erratic leader with a harridan of a wife. But a Superbowl victory’s a Superbowl victory. Mike Jones is still on my Xmas card list. You get it.
And so does Kurt. Three interceptions, yesterday, brought his stats for the year to five TDs, four INTs. Our quarterback has two TDs, ZERO INTs. And I prefer Kurt’s line. You gotta spend money to make money. You gotta get a little crazy out there, Marc. It’s not like you’re playing mistake-free football, anyway. Let’s look at how the game ended:
Score’s 16-14, our favor. 2:03 left in the game, we have the ball on our own 30 yd line.
- Bulger fumbles, giving the Cardinals the ball in field goal range.
- Three plays later, with a first down on the Rams’ 18 yard line, Warner fumbles the snap. The Rams get it back with 1:46 on the clock. A single first down will end the game.
- Three plays later, they’ve moved the ball three yards. They line up to punt with :05 on the clock.
- A 51-yard punt puts it on the Arizona 33, where the receiver calls fair catch as time expires. Turns out the Cards don’t do the futile end-of-game scramble towards the end zone because of some rule allowing the receiving team a field goal try if they fair catch as time expires.
- The Cards start to line up for a 71-yard field goal.
- But wait: There was a flag. Cards were offside on the punt. Rams get the ball back with no time on the clock to replay fourth down.
- They take a knee to end the game.
You can be ugly and lucky. That’s NFC Worst f-ball at its best.
The 49ers have your number. Think about that, guys: The San Francisco 49ers have beaten you three straight times.
In closing, and in disgust, I’d like to offer up the following stats:
- St. Louis record when I wear a specific stained, frayed years-old t-shirt and yell things like “C’mon, fuckers” and “Marc, stop being a pussy!” at my laptop during the game: 2-0
- St. Louis record when I forget the game is on and enjoy myself elsewhere: 0-1.
You’re welcome.
*
A couple advertising notes:
- People are going to buy investment advice from Dennis Hopper?
- Better him than Peyton Manning. Manning’s got a likable personality and an appealing southern drawl, but every time I see him on the TV I’m about as happy as an infant in a bucket of puke. He’s whored himself out so thoroughly I expect to see him trying to sell me Michael Jordan selling me Ballpark franks wrapped in underwear. I fear the overexposure we’re in for should he actually ever, y’know, win a championship.
- Those Coors spots are almost as embarrassing as that corporation’s support of the apartheid policies in South Africa.
YES? YOU THERE IN THE BACK?