Hard to Kill

(photo via)

The world faces serious shortages of too many necessary things.  Inexpensive, nontoxic energy.  Affordable health care.  Peace.  Justice.  Lousy blues records by has-been action stars.

Steven Seagal’s here to solve at least one of those problems.

“I’ve been playing music since I was very very young,” Seagal says in the promotional video for his new CD, Mojo Priest.  “It’s my first love, and it’s what I did first... I don’t think anybody has ever had trouble with me playing and singing.  Because, if they did, I’d KICK THEIR ASS.”

He didn’t actually say that last part.  But it was more or less implied.

Currently available in France – he’s like a Froggie Hasselhoff – Priest can be had for the very-reasonable-if-you’re-being-physically-threatened-by-a-6’4”-martial-arts-master price of $34.49.  (His previous work, the radically silly Songs from the Crystal Cave is slightly less pricey.)

Here’s Seagal, from that same video, explaining the title of his new bluesterpiece:

“Mojo Priest, well, y’know, ‘mojo’ comes from a kind of a gris-gris term, like a, like a...it’s a term that you get out of New Orleans and the South and it has to do with, like, uh, the magic that came from Africa that the slaves brought in.  And later on, in America it became sort of an acronym or slang for ‘power.’  Or some kind of like, y’know, we say “hoodoo,” we say “voodoo,”  we say “gris-gris” – nothing to do with the old religion or magic.  It just has to do with blues and that kind of swampy blues that came from Mississippi – Delta Blues.”

I can almost guarantee nothing on the record is going to be nearly as entertaining as that last paragraph.  Unfortunately, there’s no way to verify this:  Seagal’s site only has sample clips available.  Here’s a few:

• Steven Seagal – Alligator Ass (sample mp3)


• Steven Seagal – Talk to My Ass (sample mp3)


• Steven Seagal – She Dat Pretty (sample mp3)


• Steven Seagal – My Time is Numbered (sample mp3)

Seagal doesn’t have a myspace – probably because, like, space is universal, man, it’s not yours or his or hers or Neil Diamond’s or mine, it’s everyone’s, and it goes against the teachings of the Buddha to blahblahblah – but there are a couple Seagal squatters on there.  One is pretty useless, but Steven Seagal Fucking Rocks is streaming several tracks from Crystal Cave; the reggae number “War” is not to be missed, mon.

I knew next to nothing about Seagal – glancing over his filmography, I don’t think I’ve seen a single one of his movies – so I checked out his so-in-depth-you-know-he-had-his-press-agent-write-it IMDB bio.  Now I know he’s a “striking and somewhat boyishly handsome-looking (often with ponytail) and usually impeccably dressed action star who burst onto the martial arts film scene in 1988.”  His nickname is “The Great One” and his trademark is his “Pony Tail.”  He was in four movies last year – Black Dawn, Today You Die, Submerged, Into the Sun – and I’m sure they were all unfairly overlooked.  Well, at least, I’m sure they were overlooked.  He’s got at least four more coming out this year and, sadly, not one of them is called Snakes on a Plane (though he’s listed as a producer for Under Siege 3:  Plane Danger).

But I’m not getting all excited because there’s yet another actor-turned-musician putting out an album.  I’m getting all excited because there’s an actor-turned-musician coming to a stage near me.  Seagal is bringing his Golden Throat and his band “Thunderbox” (oddly enough, a nickname I once gave an ex-girlfriend) to B.B. King’s in late June, where he'll be kicking ass and taking requests.  Don’t know if I can pass that up;  I already missed Scott Stapp.

It takes a lot of balls for these sorts to get up in front of a potentially unfriendly room (and a lot of nerve for them to charge $20 for the experience – tickets are here, and whaddaya know... they’re available); they’re soft from being edited and sweetened into shape.  Unlike the bold pronouncements on his website and bio, the tour PR hedges bets:  “As a ‘blues fan’, Steven Seagal admires and has been inspired by some of the greatest musicians ever, such as Curtis Mayfield, Lightning Hopkins, Jimi Hendrix, B.B. King, and Robert Johnson.  Mixed with world music’s strong influence, his ‘blues world’ compositions appear as natural, subtle, and authentic” [quotes theirs, italics mine].

The last thing I want to say on the subject of my new blues hero Steven Seagal is that he cares.  He wants to know what you think.  On his site’s store page there’s a survey asking where you, the Steven Seagal fan, want to next see Steven Seagal.  Here are your choices:

No, wait, I mean these are your choices.

“Romantic drama.”  Hilarious.

*

UPDATE:  I didn't realize Yeti posted about Seagal's first album, the widely-swathed (sure, why not) Cave.  And I'd be remiss if I didn't link to Hobo Ted's lyrical tribute to M. Priest, "Seagal+Heartbreak=Sad".

*

Speaking of Snakes on a Plane (And who the hell isn’t?  Get that shit in theaters, New Line.), the fine boys of Kind of Like Spitting have recorded their own theme song for the flick.  It’s a rich tapestry.  A tone poem, if you will.  I don’t have an mp3, but it’s streaming on their myspace (choose “Las Serpientes en el Aeroplano”).

“$187 on Expedia.com/Got more than I paid for/Got a cobra hangin’ from my arm.”

I smell Oscar.

tags: steven seagal  thunderbox  kind of like spitting  snakes on a plane  

links: digg this    del.icio.us    reddit