You're Probably Doing It Wrong

 (original photo)

Do you take your fire and brimstone with just a hint of nutmeg?  Prefer eternal damnation come peppermint-flavored?  Pine-scented?

Then!  Brothers and sisters!  Ladies and gentlemen and children of all ages!  Citizens, denizens, and marzipans of the whole international internet online tubelog world!  Let me introduce to you!  Reverend!  J.M. Gates!  Lend him your hearts!  Lend him your minds!  Lend him (Amen) your ears!  He will inform, he will advise, he will otherwise elucidate and educate you as to the true meaning of Christmas:

Fear.

You might!  Be getting ready to buy a tree!  You might!  Be thinking about decorating! Your home up!  All nice!  For company!  Or you might!  Be planning!  A trip!  A journey!  An excursion!  But you cannot make plans!  God has plans for you!  And those plans... pretty much involve jail and death.

If! you are a store owner, shop keeper, or!  Are otherwise involved!  In the mercantile arts!  (Amen!)  You had better make sure you accept Mastercard!  Amerrrrican Express!  And Jesus as your savior!

It's easy (and fun!) to make mock of Gates' gloom and doom, especially when it's held against the holly and the jolly of the season.  But you can whittle a sound message of it:  He's not going on about how we're all created to suffer and die, he's reminding us to keep peace and perspective amidst the holiday hubbub.  "Get your heart ready!  Get your heart fixed!"  Nothing wrong with that.  More important, for us, the Reverend's an incredibly musical speaker.

Rev. J.M. Gates - Gettin' Ready for Christmas Day (mp3) (buy)

Rev. J.M. Gates - Death May Be Your Santa Claus (mp3) (buy)

Rev. J.M. Gates -  Where Will You Be on Christmas Day? (mp3) (buy)

"Death" and "Where Will You Be" (which includes the awesome euphemism "You mother heart breakers!") find the Atlantan congregation leader in full sales mode.  Eee-ffusive!  Deeee-monstrative!  Ready to sing, O Lord, ready to sing.  But "Gettin' Ready" works better because the call-response rhythm does the convincing.  The affirmations come comically at the start, too quick, too eager.  But they're no sillier than any other backbeat.  The track rocks to life, spare to stirring, speech to song.

Gates was one of, if not the, most-recorded preachers of the pre-WWII era.  It helped that he didn't have an exclusive contract with any company (in "Will the Coffin Be Your Santa Claus?" he gives a shout out to Okeh records, but Gates could also be found on Victor, Bluebird, or Gennett) and that he wasn't afraid to repeat himself.  Other yuletide considerations he recorded include "Will Hell Be Your Santa Claus?" "You May Be Alive or You May Be Dead, Christmas Day," "Will You Have Christmas Dinner in Jail?" and its follow-up, "Did You Spend Christmas Day in Jail?"

(Unrelated, amusing sermon titles: "Kinky Hair is No Disgrace," "Good Bye to Chain Stores," and "Women Spend Too Much Money."  Amen.)

The first two tracks above are included in Dust to Digital's great gospel box, Goodbye, Babylon.  The invaluable Document Records has collected all of Gates' work on nine separate CDs, and Columbia/Legacy has released a best-of collection.  Best of church!  I wouldn't want to be the one making that kind of decision.

Now go forth, readers, and renounce this virtual reality!  There is only one entity who can grant you your Second Life, and it's not Linden Labs!  This is not your beautiful house!  This is God's beautiful house!  Drop and give me twenty!  Et cetera!

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By the way, if you want a coffin to be your Santa Claus, custom-made Santa Claus coffins are available.

tags: christmas music  rev jm gates  reverend jm gates  

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