Quitters Never Fail

Last week, the world mourned (and mourned, and mourned) the death of ABC anchorman Peter Jennings.  Jennings was many things – a journalist, a Canadian, a nicotine addict, a high school drop-out – and while it’s difficult to say which of those aspects was his most ignoble, it’s the last one that endeared him to the below-average American flunky.  Like a beacon of hope shining through the murky mind of the underedumacated, the well-spoken, oft-teleprompted Jennings broadcast a nightly example of what success might be found down the road less traveled... a road most often taken by those too illiterate to read the “BRIDGE OUT” sign.

“I ain’t need me no diploma,” went the plaintive wail of the put-upon hayseed innovator, the overburdened underage mother, the noble urban revolutionary.  “That Peter Jennings ain’t got him none, neither!”

But now, as Mr. Jennings joins other famous high-school drop-outs – Albert Einstein, Mark Twain, eight former U.S. Presidents among them – in accepting life’s final honorary doctorate, who can the kids turn to? 

A quick perusal of a list of famous high-school (and elementary school) drop-outs offers some interesting options:  Playwright August Wilson, humorist Fran Lebowitz, newspaperman/novelist Pete Hamill.  Oscar-winning film directors Peter Jackson and Quentin Tarantino.  Rockers Neil Young and Eddie Vedder.  But these folks lack either the dignity or the Q-rating of Jennings.

So... Who will be the new High-School Drop-Out Posterboy?

Some suggestions:

Don’t Be Smart.  Act Smart.

Hold the phone!  Mr. Gladiator was a few odd grunts short of graduating?  A beautiful mind is a terrible thing to waste, but Russell Crowe is hardly the only A-list actor with a subpar school record.  You thought Jude Law was everywhere?  He wasn’t at his high school graduation ceremony.  Nor were Kevin Bacon, Nicolas Cage (GED), Leonardo DiCaprio (GED), Colin Farrell, Cuba Gooding, Jr., Chris Rock (GED), Charlie Sheen, Christian Slater, Keifer Sutherland, or Mark Wahlberg. 

Jim Varney was, on the other hand, a proud high school graduate.

Add Al Pacino, Robert De Niro, and Joe Pesci to your list of non-graduates.  It’s hard to believe, but the stars of Gigli, Hide and Seek, and 8 Heads in a Duffel Bag got where they did without ever donning cap and gown. 

As Long as You Can Read Dianetics (and write a check), You’ll Do Just Fine.

The Church of Scientology doesn’t discriminate against those lacking a standard education:  Tom Cruise may know everything there is to know about postpartum depression, but he didn’t learn it in high school!  He and fellow S-Men John Travolta and Beck Hansen are all thetan- and diploma-free.

You Don’t Even Need to Read Music

So you wanna be a rock n’ roll star?  Just listen now to what I say:  Get the hell out of school.  Look at this list of education-free luminaries:  Bryan Adams, Christina Aguilera, Michael Bolton, David Bowie, Cher, Celine Dion, Billy Joel, Jared Leto, Courtney Love, Liza Minelli, Tom Petty, Axl Rose, Scott Stapp (of Creed), and every member of the Bee Gees.  Andy Gibb didn’t even finish elementary school.  Which almost explains disco.

Rappers?  Check it:  Eminem, Nelly, LL Cool J.  It’s called street cred.  Word.

Truly inspirational would be the collected non-efforts of Ozzy and Kelly Osbourne.  Two generations bound by their inability to collect a certain certificate.  That they’ve developed such an extensive vocabulary despite this... it brings tears to my *&$^in’ eyes.

Being Pretty’s the Only Paper You Need

You know that MTV show where Cameron Diaz goes around to all those countries she can barely pronounce to show us suffering people about whom she doesn’t know anything?  She got that show without ever finishing high school!  And:  Most of those suffering people, they’re not going to finish high school, either!

Don’t worry.  You don’t have to go to a third world country if you fail to graduate.  You can always go into porn!  Danni Ashe?  32FF, GED.  And Traci Lords was too busy with her extracurriculars to find her way to the podium.

So remember, kids:  Peter Jennings didn’t need high school.  Neither did Anna Nicole Smith.  Diogenes Laërtius, the famed Greek biographer, is known to have said that education was an ornament in prosperity, a refuge in adversity.  To which high-school drop-out Robert Ritchee, née Kid Rock, might well reply:  “Bawitdaba da bang a dang diggy diggy diggy said the boogie said up jump the boogie.”

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