Pope Bono I

I must say I’m appalled.  Once again, Americans have stuck their self-involved heads in the sand, allowing themselves to become oblivious to world affairs.  Given the info-fervor that led up to presidential election in 2004, I expected endless amounts of bloggery and link-fu re: the upcoming Papal Election. 

Crowning a new Big Kahuna’s important biz, kids.  It only happens once a generation (Okay, it happened twice in 1978, but...), and it sticks:  This is a lifetime gig, like Haitian dictator or Federal Reserve Board Chairman.  We need someone who’s capable of fulfilling the heady duties of office (traveling extensively, telling us all not to do the things we’re going to do anyway, infallibility, feigning sympathy), and someone who won’t abuse the perks (designer wardrobe, company car, personal audience with imaginary deity).

We have to stay on top of things, folks.  Be vigilant!  Every vote counts!  We just did one of these things, remember?  This is how you do it:  You collect all pertinent facts and figures, listen to all the expert opinions, make an informed decision... and then chuck it out the window and hide behind the bells and white smoke of “Moral values.”  Just that simple.

Most of you don’t recall the last time those cardinals emerged from their conclave; sure, they eventually gave the high hat to Karol Wojtyla, but the nod and the staff almost went to the “That’s-a Spicy Meatzaball!” guy from the Alka-Seltzer commercials.  Lucky for us, rock always beats scissors.

Let’s not let it get that close, this time.  While the U.S. presidential election turned out to be about “moral values,” this canonical blast is clearly about something we Americans actually understand:  Celebrity.

Below – to help you make that informed decision (Get the Pope Vote out!  April 18th!) – are the candidates in the running to be the next Pope of these United States (and some other, less important areas of the world):

THE FINE FIFTEEN:

1.  Bono:  Clearly the front-runner.  He’s already got the cool nom de rock, the dedicated fan base, and the avoidance issues necessary to become a truly great pontiff.  Raised in a country where religious factions carbomb the hell out of each other, he’s naturally very concerned about... third world debt relief.  Sure, whatever!  Makes as much sense as his lyrics, which in turn make as much sense as The Bible.  Your mom and dad love him, and face it, you do too.  His intro to “Vertigo” shows a strong grasp of the Romance languages.  Plus, he’s a rock star, so you know he’s never used a condom.

2.  That Crazy Transvestite Guy from Diary of a Mad Black Woman:  You didn’t expect Tyler Perry to even be on this list, never mind this high up, did you?  Well, you didn’t expect Diary of a Mad Black Woman to open #1 at the box office and gross upwards of fifty million dollars, either.  That’s your problem, American media:  You’re so damned white.  No matter how hard you try not to be.

3.  Paul Wolfowitz:  Obviously, George W. Bush’s Pope-tacular choice.  There’s a lot of money behind this guy, along with the fear that, should he lose, Rumsfeld will raze the Vatican to the ground.  Honestly, if the axis of evil suddenly became North Korea, Iran and Vatican City, which would you rather invade?

4.  Marilyn Manson:  It was either Saint Augustine or Sun Tzu who said, “Keep your friends close, your enemies closer.”  Maybe it was Machiavelli.  Hell, it could have been someone with particularly good-smelling enemies.  And that’s where Marilyn Manson comes in:  His new Calvin Klein designer fragrance is myrrh-riffic, and he brings with him a sense of style and showmanship that has been missing from the churchgoing experience for some time.

5.  Cardinal Francis Arinze of Nigeria:  Already has a really cool hat!  There’s been a push for an African Pope, this time around – and hey, why not?  Who supports organized religion more than the undereducated and the hopeless?  Arinze has been based at the Vatican for decades and has had profound responsibilities, there; what’s more, his background – he was raised in a country divided by Christians and Muslims – might do some good when it comes to interfaith fence-mending.  Or not:  Inter-religious clashes in his home country have claimed thousands of lives over the last decade.  Ultimately, he'll probably split the “black” vote with Tyler Perry.

6.  Osama bin Laden:  Speaking of reaching out to the Muslim community, a nod towards the big guy might be seen as a good faith offering to both the followers of Islam and the homeless.  Plus, it’d make finding the bastard a whole lot easier.

7.  Albert Pujols:  Having averaged 40 homers and 126 RBIs and an OPS over 1.000 during the first four years of his career, the St. Louis first basemean is widely seen as the frontrunner in the race for this year's National League MVP.   

8:  John Kerry:  Doesn’t have a snowball’s chance in Hell.  Might get the Catholic vote, but that’s about it.

9.  Elmo:  Proselytization is an ugly business, folks.  The Church-of-Latter-Day Saints and Jehovah’s Witnesses have been knocking and littering their way into the hearts and souls of Catholicism’s traditional target demos.  Laissez-faire faith doesn’t work; you skip a one lousy Sunday and there’s someone else working your corner.  As part of a long-term reclamation project, the Church clearly needs to indulge in something my drug-dealing friends* call “Kiddie Bait.”  Brand ‘em when they’re young.  The MTV audience is positively geriatric (Pope Carson?), and everyone knows that Nickelodeon isn’t for kids, it’s for stoned collegians.  If "Pope Tinky-Winky" didn’t sound so freaky, the Church would try that; they’ll have to settle for “This show was brought to you by the letter JESUS!”  Besides, if the Mafia’s gotta shove their mitts up someone’s ass, you might as well give them easy access.

10.  Hillary Rodham Clinton:  Honestly, she’s got a better shot at Pope than president.

11.  Yao Ming:  He’s got a head start, with those spillover All-Star votes.  It only makes sense to appeal to China; there’s 1.3 billion of ‘em.  That’s a lotta lo mein in the collection plate.  ‘Sides, admit it:  A 7’6” 310-pound Pope would be awesome.

12.  Mario from American Idol:  So that’s why he dropped out!  Hey, kids!  You made this happen!  Awe!  Some!  Just keep calling 1-900-SUCK-ERS and Mario can be the very next POPE!  Howcoolizzat?  (This Pope brought to you by Verizon Wireless.  Can you hear me now?)

13.  Archbishop of Milan, Dionigi Tettamanzi:  Cut the meat from the bones of one boiled chicken; there should be 2 to 3 cups of shredded meat.  Cook 1/2 lb. spaghetti.  Add to this 1/2 lb sautéed mushrooms.  Make a sauce of 3T butter, 2T flour and 2 cups of chicken broth.  Remove from heat.  Stir in 1 cup heated whipping cream and 3T dry white wine.  Preheat oven to 375 degrees.  Add 1/2 the sauce to the chicken and 1/2 to the pasta/mushrooms.  Place the pasta in a greased baking dish.  Make a hole in the center; place the chicken in it.  Top with grated parmesan.  Bake until lightly browned.

14.  Terri Schiavo:  Her star has fallen a bit since she was cremated, but if we all just pull together and pray, I’m sure we can make this happen for Terri!  Or maybe Congress can do something...

15.  Pope John Paul II, Electric Boogaloo:  Hey, why not a dead Pope?  As the world grows more and more secular, the Church has to recognize that a vast majority of its congregation has passed on.  Represent!  He’s been a good live Pope for 27 years; I’m sure he’ll make a great dead Pope for 27 more!

ALSO-RANS:  Tom DeLay’s a natural:  What’s more typically religious than hypocrisy, and who’s more hypocritical than Tom DeLay?  But he’s so slimy that no one outside Texas’ll take him... Making Michael Jackson Pope would at least give us the opportunity to consolidate all those child molestation jokes... While we’re talking pop stars, Madonna’d probably be a good Pope Esther; she already knows all that Kabbalah shit... Lastly, The Numa Numa Dance Kid has a shot.  The Internet’s a powerful thing, baby.  And it’s not like he’s got anything else to do.

*I have no drug-dealing friends.  Okay, officer?

As I’m apparently aping Peter King’s MMQB column, here are TEN THINGS I THINK I THINK:

1.  North Carolina, WTF?!  Taking the “Free” out of “Freedom of Information Act” in more than one way...

2.  I wonder how many Office-watchers called out sick today with “Spontaneous Dentrahydroplosion.”

3.  To whomever reached my site by Googling video+of+traumatic+decapitations... So sorry to disappoint.  Come again, soon!

4.  There’s a new JaPunks mini-tour hitting CBGBs in NYC on April 23rd, the Khyber in Philly and someplace in Asbury Park, NJ.  Go!  You don’t want to miss these shows.  You WILL be entertained!

5.  A reminder that Local H tickets are now on sale for their Rocks Off Concert Cruise performance.  June 12th, $20 adv/$25 dos.  Hey, it’s on a boat!  You can buy tix here or here.

6.  Holy crap, the dB’s are reuniting.  What’s next?  A new XTC album?  A Hüsker Dü tour?

7.  If the combination of Nick Hornby, the Farrelly Brothers and Drew Barrymore wasn’t off-putting enough, The Onion AV Club had this to say about Jimmy Fallon’s performance in Fever Pitch:  “It’s like being trapped at a party with a social leper.” 

7b.  It’s hyperbole week over there.  Get this: “[Akira Kurosawa’s] great successive late-period samurai epics, 1980’s Kagemusha and 1985’s Ran, are so masterfully controlled that his command seems to extend to the heavens themselves.”  I’d laugh if they weren’t kind of, sort of, right.  Kagemusha – just released on DVD by Criterion – was the first Kurosawa I ever saw, and I still think of it as one of his best.  It’s wrong to say he made movies like no other; his are just better than everyone else’s.  The world’s still playing catch-up (or, worse, it’s stopped trying).  Do yourself a favor and buy the DVD.

8.  I think that the two catchiest songs on the planet right now are The Kaiser Chiefs’ “Na Na Na Na Naa” and Andrew Bird’s “Skin Is, My.”    The KC CD kind of dies for me after track four (I do look up and smile every time I hit “Pneumothorax is a word that is long”), but those first four songs are fantastic.  And, reviews-be-damned, I listened to the new Hot Hot Heat a bunch of times when mtv.com was leaking it last week, and I like it.  So there.

9.  Sorry King fans, I don’t drink coffee, and don’t care about high school field hockey.

10.  I think that this might be the longest blog entry ever, and that I’ll end it... now.

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