How Much Will You Pay Me to See RENT?

Here’s the deal:  If you all can rustle up a measly $1,000 for the charity of my choice, I will solemnly drag my ass to a theater near me and bear witness to this monstrosity.  And don’t go thinking that’s a whole lot of money.  The suggested donation is eleven dollars.  Ninety-one people and we’re there.  If we get far beyond that, I will try to think of a suitable punishment for myself.  I might even see Rent TWICE.

Here’s what I’m thinking:  Spend the money you might have casually wasted attending this movie on charity instead.  You’re free to give more if you’d like.  Were you going to subject a date to this?  Were you going to buy a five-dollar box of Goobers, a bucket o’ sugar-water and some jizz-coated popcorn?  Factor it all in, and give until it hurts.  Well... until it hurts me.

And act now!  There’s no time to lose:  Rent opens in select cities on November 23rd and unfortunately, they’ve selected mine.

Where the Money Goes:  That’s, as the French say, the foie de gras.  Figuring that Rent has something to do with... rent, and that it takes place in (according to the movie’s site) the “gritty background of New York’s East Village,”  why not give to a local homeless assistance program?  What with winter on its way, and the holidays around the corner, I settled on...

“The Bowery Residents’ Committee, Inc. (BRC) is a voluntary, non-profit organization addressing the needs of persons with limited resources. Our clients are homeless, chemically dependent, psychiatrically disabled, aged, and persons with HIV/AIDS in metropolitan New York City. The agency provides a comprehensive array of services including housing, meals, detoxification, mental health and addiction services, health care, vocational rehabilitation, AIDS services, community education, and advocacy. By providing these services, BRC offers its clients the means to function successfully in society, and seeks to improve the quality of life in the community.”

That sounds vaguely worthy, no?  And familiar:  This company is the landlord that refused to renew the lease for CBGB’s.  After all those benefit concerts to line Hilly’s pockets it’s time to give some oomph to the other side.  At the save CBGB’s rally in Washington Square Park, City Councilman Alan Gerson actually got on stage and suggested withholding government funds from the charity if they didn’t renew the rock club’s lease.  There’s a man with his priorities in order.  Someone contact Mr. Gerson’s office and let him know he can start making reparations to the tune of eleven whopping smackaroos.

How to Donate:  The best way is to click here:

If you’re overrun with spyware, otherwise untrusting of online transactions, or just generally difficult:  Download this .pdf file, fill it out (with rrrentmoney@gmail.com in the “Tribute Card Information” part of the form), and snail-mail it off to the BRC, ASAP.

I Will Never See a Cent From This!  No money will pass through my hands.  All donations are direct – which is why it’s important you let me know if you’re contributing.  On the “Network for Good” form, enter “rrrentmoney” where it says “Designation;” after the transaction, forward the receipt e-mail to me at rrrentmoney@gmail.com (yes, with three r's).  Be sure to delete any personal info (names, address, phone #) you don't want me to see before sending it along; I don’t care who you are, I just care that you care.

I am not a “barrister from Nigeria” promising a financial opportunity; nor am I associated with the BRC, or Revolution Studios, or Sony Pictures.  Everything’s completely, totally on the level.  It’s not a joke!  Well, okay, it sort of is... but it’s a joke for charity.

And yes, the whole “Network for Good” thing set off my sarcasm bells, too.

Why I Hate Rent:  I can’t say that I do, but I’m enjoying some truly blissful ignorance.  I’ve never seen the play, have never heard the full soundtrack... and never really want to.   I don’t like stage musicals, and I don’t like opera, and I know that Rent:  The Movie is an adaptation of a stage musical that updates an opera.  Yes, I know it won a Pulitzer; no, I don’t care that it did.  The movie apparently contains a song called “Will You Light My Candle?”  That alone is enough to make me throw up in my mouth.

Why else don’t I want to see it?  The film’s been adapted and directed by Chris Columbus, the subtle genius responsible for Home Alone (1 and 2), Mrs. Doubtfire (starring Robin Williams), and Bicentennial Man (starring Robin Williams); he’s also the man who sucked the magic out of the first two Harry Potter films (Disclosure:  I only saw the first; unlike Mr. Columbus, I learn from my mistakes) and wrote the screenplay for last year’s yuletide disaster, Christmas with the Kranks.

More?  Sure... The cast of the movie is largely the original cast of the 1996 play.  I admire the loyalty, but you can’t tell me that this “group of bohemians struggling to express themselves” will be more convincing than the latter-day Sweathogs.  In addition, there’s this advance review from David Poland suggesting that the movie’s boring.

Campy and inept I can handle; boring I cannot.

But you RENTHeads (that there’s a group of people calling themselves “RENTHeads” is a whole ‘nother issue into which I don’t even want to go) shouldn’t be freaking out at me, right now.  You should be donating up a storm, and RENTForwarding this to all your RENTFriends.  Go ahead:  Proselytize.  Show me the error of my ways.  Buy me a ticket.

It would be fantastic if Revolution Studios would pay me to see their own movie

Just remember:  You can make me watch it, but you can’t make me like it.