Heart on a Stick
Very Close to, if not actually in, the CD player:
seen/heard ° listen ° buy
seen/heard ° listen ° buy
Fear Itself. Well, Fear Itself and Some Really Intimidating Genitalia.
posted 10/05/2006
Nothing’s scary, anymore.
There was a time, not long ago, when all you had to do was yell out the right color and people’d start frantically hoarding duct tape. But that got old, and wondering just which brand of hair gel will blow you up, guessing which psycho is going to gun down which classroom full of kids... that gets exhausting. We’re tired of being terrified. So, y’know, whatever. Que sera sera.
I was pondering this because Halloween is coming up. Halloween! When we celebrate being scared.
Maybe you’re reading this in Reykjavik, or Delaware, or Staten Island – someplace other than New York City – but here in NYC Halloween is huge. HUGE. It’s like New Year’s Eve, Arbor Day, and 9-11 rolled up in one! And the pressure to have an original and, yes, scary Halloween costume is intense. INTENSE.
Well, okay: As is the case everywhere, many women here simply dress as Lookitm’boobs. And many men dress up as the only thing they themselves find frightening: Women. But that’s so dull. All the old standbys – movie monsters, politicians, historical figures, celebrities du jour – is there anything less scary than the predictable? I thought to myself: If I can scare – not “boo” scare, but scare – just one person, mission accomplished.
Then I remembered this guy:
His name is Brandon Davis, and I really don’t know anything about him. There doesn’t seem to be an entry on the Wikipedia about him, so he must not be very important. But I’ve heard he’s wealthy and he apparently as some sort of association with Paris Hilton. That’s good enough for me. I want to scare him. And if you’ve seen this ancient video...
...you know exactly what scares Brandon Davis: Lindsay Lohan’s Ladyparts. Her vagina “shits out freckles” and “smells like diarrhea.” Her clitoris is, according to Davis’ nightmares, seven feet long. Seven whole inches shorter than Manute Bol.
Very well, then, that’s what I will be for Halloween: Lindsay Lohan’s Clitoris. And you can be, too! We can all be Lindsay Lohan’s Clitoris together. I figure all you need is that latex Coneheads crown you’ve had banging around your attic, a pink bodystocking, some Foamcor, gaffer’s tape, twine. Perhaps a plastic crustacean or two. You might need platform shoes. Seven feet, people. That’s a lot of feet. Seven of them! If you’re really short, or afraid of heights, you might want to choose a celebrity whose privates are not as pronounced. Be creative!
Anyway, I’m guessing Lindsay Lohan’s Clitoris looks a little like a dumpy version of Mr. Clean, and that it wears Converse Hi-Tops. I’m guessing... it looks a little... like this:
(Above, Lindsay Lohan’s seven-foot-tall clitoris playfully threatens a young bunch of trick-or-treaters, two of whom have inexplicably dressed as Art Instruction Schools test subjects.)
*
Let’s see if I have any appropriate music to share...
I know fuck-all about “Oscar’s Chicago Swingers,” but this song can be found in a collection of songs all about fucking. The Copulatin’ Blues features a lot of old-timey nudge-chuckle sex songs. “You Can’t Tell the Difference After Dark,” “Please Warm My Weiner,” “How Do They Do It That Way?” These were gentler, more dignified times. I imagine ‘30’s blues singer Georgia White, who belts out “If I Can’t Sell It, I’ll Keep Sittin’ On It (Before I Give It Away),” would be appalled to hear Fergie groaning about her “lovely lady lumps.”
I got this CD back when I was in college, working at Tower Records. It’s still in print! The Feelies are not.
Oh, and this:
That’s from the soundtrack to the fantastic no-budget space-western-rock musical The American Astronaut (which I mentioned back here, and you should rent). Macho genres are gutted by rampant sexual naïveté; in "Vagina," the Madonna complex is filthied up and hosed down. With sheeting action! The only thing wrong with this song is that – unlike Lindsay Lohan’s Clitoris – it’s way too short.
YES? YOU THERE IN THE BACK? (1)
1. d left...
10/05/2006 12:24 pm :: http://www.softcommunication.blospot.com
1. I think jared leto & ryan adams should start a punk band called lindsay
lohan's clitoris. now that's what I call halloween! 2. I don't know what's
more frightening, the fact that you drew that costume or that I recognized
the art instruction test pirate.