Come Midnight's Midnight, When the Dark Entwines with Darkness

They've already got the tights!

Superheroes and musical theater are a natural combination.  Like peanut butter and marshmallow, skidmarks and underwear.  Why the Great White Way hasn't been reborn as the Marvel Universe is beyond me.  Every comic book geek has longed for the day they could watch their favorite crimefighters put down their fists and pick up a tune.

Does anyone really think that Hugh Jackman show was a hit because theatergoers were drawn to the story of some flamboyant singer/songwriter?  No!  Everyone wanted to see Wolverine tap dance!

Hoping to tap (!) into this zeitgeist, heavyweights Julie Taymor and Bono are weaving their upcoming Broadway adaptation of Spider-Man! into Art!  As we speak!  I don't know how they'll ever top this, but let's hope they're at least half as successful as Warner Brothers and Jim Steinman were at bringing the Caped Crusader to the stage!

In 1998, Warners announced its first foray into theater:  Batman:  The Musical!  Composer/singer Steinman - the man behind Meat Loaf's original Bat Out of Hell album  - was brought in for bombast's sake, and... nothing materialized.  The Unofficial Memorial to Batman:  The Musical (via MCN) tells the sad story of how a pair of separate, failed vampire shows - Warner's Lestat and Steinman's Dance of the Vampires -  combined to put the kibosh on bat-oriented song-and-dancers.  Silly people!  No one wants to watch vampires sing and dance!  People want to watch superheroes sing and dance!  That's why everyone loved Dazzler!

Batman! might still happen!  Though probably not.

Jim Steinman, Lord bless him, has a website (as well as a blog, hooray), and he's graciously posted mp3s of his Batman demos.  And holy fuckshit, Scooter, it's pretty much everything you'd want in a multimillion dollar megadisaster.  The disconnect between content and all possible audience desire is absolute; the somber hilarity is relentless.

"Is there anybody here that does not hear these cries?" Batman wonders aloud, alone, in the key of E minor.  There are so many head-scratchers in the tracks below your co-workers will want you checked for lice.

Hookers and street urchins harmonize IN LATIN.    Suck on that, Taymor!

A big, blustery batbouillabaisse, re-upped here for your aural derring-do:

• Batman and Citizens of Gotham City - Gotham City/The Graveyard Shift (demo)(mp3)
• Gotham City Officials - In the Land of the Pig, The Butcher is King (demo)(mp3)
• Batman and Catwoman - Not Allowed to Love (Original demo)(mp3)
• The Joker - The Joker's Song (Wonderful Toys)(demo)(mp3)
• Catwoman - The Catwoman's Song (I Need All the Love I Can Get)(demo)(mp3)
• Batman, Catwoman, Young Bruce Wayne and Young Selina Kyle - We're Still the Children We Once Were (demo)(mp3)

(There are also "pop" and "dance" versions of "Not Allowed to Love."  If you dare.)

Batman: The Musical is basically about HOW WE ALL WANT TO BE LOVED AND IS THAT SO WRONG.  Just like Batman: The Comic Book!  "I need all the love I can get," meows Catwoman in "The Catwoman's Song (I Need All the Love I Can Get)."  "And I need all the love that I can't get, too."

THAT'S THE CHORUS.  IT BEARS REPEATING.

(Later, when Catwoman sings, "I'm not allowed to love/Not in mid-career/There's just so little time/I can't afford to be wrong," I think she sings for all of us.  It's poignant!  And it's just nice to know Catwoman has a well-plotted career path.)

Only time for one number?  Make it "The Joker's Song," which rattles off references to The Marines' Hymn, the Big Bopper, the Steve Allen Show, the Gallic wars, Jim Morrison, The Sound of Music, The Rocky Horror Picture Show, Ricky Martin, and Eminem.  "How did Abercrombie & Fitch come up with so many boys/And where does he get all those wonderful, wonderful toys?!"  There's a racial slur!  All over a Pianosaurusish tinkle.  Madness!

I! strongly urge you to yank off your headphones, pump up your speaker volume, climb all over things in and/or around your cubicle, and gesture melodramatically along with that shizzle.

If, by the final "(sniff)...now!" in the climactic "We're Still the Children We Once Were" (Pretty much what you'd hoped the title of the climactic song in Batman: The Musical would be called, right?  Also, it's basically "Unchained Melody."  Also, is it wise to end a show with a character begging to be taken home?), you haven't giggled yourself into full-on hysterics, then consult your physician!  Because the demos from Batman:  The Musical must have batmurdered you.

You can read more about the whos and whereforartthous behind each song at the Memorial site.  And remember, these are only demos.  The tightwads at Warner Brothers are standing between you and the full-force gale of the full-on Batman: The Musical experience.  So you might want to send them a card, or something.

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It's worth noting that the folks behind the Batman Beyond animated series have parodied the notion of a Batman musical (here, first couple of minutes), and that Batman has appeared in a couple shows that ran off, off, off-Broadway:

Also (slow loading... but it’s so worth it):

I think that guy's on to something.  I know if I were making a Batman musical,  them's the tunes I'd want.  No one captures the Dark Knight's gravitas like Seeger.

I AM NOT MOCKING BOB SEEGER.  I DO NOT WANT YOUR ANGRY LETTERS.

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Batman!'s not the only four-color figure to trod the boards as if they were a plank.  Consider the 1966 stage failure It's a Bird... It's a Plane... It's Superman!  Lasted a whole 129 performances exclamation point.

Hey, he's beating up on Al from Happy Days! 

Impressed, the suits at ABC - it's tough to remember how dire that network's straits were before they hooked up with Aaron Spelling -crapped out a cheapie TV adaptation nine years later.  Above's the only footage on YouTube featuring a singing, smashing Supes.  But don't the absence of WHAM! ZOW!  keep you from the following:

"We Need Him"

“It’s Superman”

"The Woman for the Man"

“You’ve Got Possibilities”

Yes, that's Lesley Ann Warren as Lois Lane, and a pre-M*A*S*H Loretta Swit as... someone.  The Original Broadway Cast Recording for It's a Bird... is still in print.  (Crazy Rhythms, not so much.)  And if you're so inclined, you can watch an entire high school performance of the play; the production values are only moderately better than ABC's.

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Not a musical... but maybe it should have been!  I mentioned the 1975 concept album Spider-Man:  Rock Reflections of a Superhero a long time ago, but didn't offer up any audio sweetmeats.  Let's fix that now.  Taymor, Bono, other evildoers... Pay heed!

More ambitious than Spider-Man 3, Reflections attempts to deal with the webslinger's origin, his identity crisis, Doc Octopus, The Green Goblin, and the death of Gwen Stacy.

Most of the action takes place on a corner where White Boy Funk and 70s Self-Help collide; by the end, we know that we're free to be you and me and my secret identity, and that great powers and great responsibility are teh awesome!  It's all ‘nuff-saided together with colorful narration from Stan "The Man" himself.

• Stan Lee - The Ammunition of Determination (mp3) (buy)
• Peter Parker - Peter Stays and Spider-Man Goes (mp3) (buy)

"This crazy war's got me weary, and I can't fight any more!"

"What is this change within my bein'?  Feels so strange, like I'm skiin'!"

• Spider-Man - Spider-Man (mp3) (buy)

"I rescue those who need me, when I can."  And when the game's not on.  It's sort of like the Serenity Prayer, with a lot of bouncy a-ha-ho-na-naing.

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This has nothing to do with superheroes (or DOES IT?), but we don't talk often about musicals, here (not a fan), and I'm taking this opportunity to lay unto you this turdnugget:

• Robert Guillaume and Elizabeth Stack - Phantom (Compressed Original Mix)(mp3) (buy)

If you made it all the way through, I'll mail you a cookie.  Indeed, that's TV's Benson  Yessss!ing amongst the sturm and drum and bass; that's Robert Stack's daughter shrieking amidst the toccata and fuckery.  That's one of FIVE remixes of their interpretation of "Phantom of the Opera" contained on this particular CD single, and although I've no idea how it wound up in my collection I will TREASURE IT ALWAYS.

tags: batman  batman the musical  spiderman  superman  songanddanceman  

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