You Say Party Cake! We Say Diet!

This is how the world ends.  Not with a bang but with a DELICIOUS FROZEN TREAT.

No, not Snozzberry, or whatever you upscale trendfuckers are ingesting.  Turkey Hill's Party Cake.  Big, wonderful, white trashy tubs of it.  I've talked about it before, mostly because I can't not talk about it when it's available.  In short:  It's not good ice cream, not at all, but there's so much sugar and artificial everything that it gets me high.

And I'm not alone.  The first time I mentioned it, I got a couple very telling comments from folks who'd obsessively Googled in.  One was posted three times, and I'm sure that wasn't an accident:

WOAH!!!! I love Party Cake SO MUCH! You will not understand. It is SO good it is like a PARTY inside my MOUTH! I totally agree with everyone above....PARTY CAKE IS THE BEST! In fact, I just finished eating it a couple minutes ago...I had to put all my force in stopping to eat it because it is so irressitable!! I LOVE PARTYCAKE ICE CREAM! IT RAISES THE REPUTATION OF ICE CREAM! GO PARTY CAKE WOO WOO WOOHOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Party Cake DEMANDS that you express yourself through CAPITAL LETTERS and MULTIPLE EXCLAMATION POINTS.  It DEMANDS that you WOOHOO.  But this comment is pertinent:

Oh.My.Gosh. I thought I was alone in my absolute crazed desire for more and more Party Cake. I believe there is an opiate running through the buttercream frosting. There is no other explanation. I dream Party Cake. Each time I go into the grocery store I pray for two things: That there will be party cake that day.
OR
That there won't be party cake that day.

I could eat at least once a day and would, too, push upwards of 400 lbs.

Anyhow, I guess we'll have to wait until next summer. You can try writing to Turkey Hill. I have and I did get a letter back that they would consider it being a consistent flavor, but they already have "too many." Well then drop some of the cruddy trite ones I say!
How much vanilla does society need?
My last question remains....if I were Madonna or someone similar, could I get Party Cake year round? Madonna might be the wrong example, but I think you catch my drift.

Keep praying, kid.  If you'll examine the photo above of Party Cake's new packaging, and compare it to the old photo, at right, you'll note that PARTY CAKE IS NO LONGER A FEATURE FLAVOR.  IT IS A REGULAR FLAVOR.  Related:  PARTY CAKE PARTY CAKE PARTY CAKE.

This is dangerous.  Because there's no moderation with Party Cake.  Party Cake demands your full and complete attention at all times.  Which is okay.  Because Party Cake is all that matters.  It is everything.  It is the Alpha, it is the Omega.  Ashes to Party Cake, Party Cake to Party Cake.

This sort of thinking, and binging, is okay on a week-long twice-a-year basis.  But in perpetuity?  Jobs will be lost, marriages torn asunder, waistlines expanded ad infinitum.  Society will bloat to a standstill.  At some point I guarantee you'll be able to shove a spigot into someone's love handles and blue buttercream icing will flow out.  Scrumptious blue buttercream icing.

This could be a national crisis, peoples.  I guarantee you it would at least be a local one, were the stocking at my neighborhood Key Food done more consistently.  I totally didn't mean to grab you by your vest and throttle you, screaming, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE'S NO MORE IN THE BACK?!" Frozen Food Aisle Dude.  Sorry about that.

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I recently, coincidentally, rewatched The Stuff, (Tagline:  "Are you eating it, or is it eating you?") a movie I frequently cite when talking about Party Cake.  It's a 1985 low-budget horror-comedy from writer-director Larry Cohen; I hadn't seen it since it first came out on video, probably two weeks after it was in theaters.

The titular goo is found bubbling out of the ground in an upstate New York rock quarry.  The nightwatchman who first stumbles across it puts it in his mouth - because that's what all us grown-up infants do - and it turns out to be a tasty, lo-calorie treat!  A tasty, lo-calorie treat that hollows you out and controls your mind!

Sign me up!

Cohen's a filmmaker held in some esteem for a few slightly-smarter-than-necessary B-movies:  God Told Me To, Q, the It's Alive! killer baby trilogy.  Lately he's been involved with scripts for high-concept phone-oriented flicks (Phone Booth, Cellular) and that unfortunate Elisha Cuthbert tortureporn thing Captivity.  It's sort of nice to see someone who's not above-the-title famous continuing a yeomanish career.  Paying the bills, making it work.  But I've always found Cohen's ideas better than his films, and The Stuff is awful.

It's not as much about gluttony as I'd remembered; it's mostly about consumerism.  But we already have Dawn of the Dead (the first one, the good one), which is sad and deep and sort of covers all the available bases.  We don't need another zombie movie about consumerism.  Especially not one where Michael Moriarity wears a bad blond wig and affects a bad southern accent for ninety minutes.  Or one where Garrett Morris plays a coked-up kung-fu Famous Amos who projectile-vomits shaving cream.  The movie's a mess, the effects are lousy, the satire is both hamfisted and unfocused.

The saddest part's the DVD commentary, where Cohen blamed the movie's box office failure - it opened in, like, a single New York theater - on a hurricane that hit the city on opening day.  Supposedly, the name blew right off the Times Square marquee!  Imagine that!

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Party Cake!

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From the makers of The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra (which I enjoyed more than I probably should have):  TRAIL OF THE SCREAMING FOREHEAD!!! (via)

It depresses me to see Dick Miller and James Karen in that.  They're being used to UP THE PEDIGREE of Forehead.  Though it's good to know they're both alive.

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Want to suck on something sweet that won't ruin your life?  How about SIGMUND FREUD'S WATERMELON-FLAVORED HEAD?  (via, Marie Antoinette also available.)

And, from the same company:  Cloverfield action figures!

That movie looks awesome, J.J.!  So awesome that the best way to convince me to see it isn't the awesome story or the awesome big-name cast or the fact that it's being released in the awesome traditional suck-spot of January!  I prefer my movies virally marketed.  It's what matters to me!  It keeps me from thinking about important things!

Like Party Cake!

tags: party cake  cloverfield  bad horror movies  

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