Give Weezer a Little Love

Some of you might not be old enough to remember this, but:  There once was a time when Weezer didn’t suck.

I know!  Sometimes I don’t believe it, either.

Weezer came on the scene back when the world was flying its flannel high.  While everyone else was screaming at trees and smashing their pumpkins, singer/guitarist Rivers Cuomo and his bandmates sunnily, and geekily, married alterna-power-pop with a closet love of heavy metal.  Their self-titled debut – you know it as “The Blue Album” because the record industry tried to sell it all over again to you a year or two ago – got a lot of heads bopping, destroyed a lot of sweaters, inspired a pair of clever Spike Jonze videos.  The band’s second album was better, darker, more personal and desperate, and married the band’s sound with the punkless strain of emo that we’ve come to know as, er,  “emo.”  It changed lives.  People knitted sweaters.

When, exactly, the band started to suck is a matter of debate.  I personally think it happened somewhere between the time the single “Hash Pipe” came out and the release of the album that contained it.  Some folks actually liked that CD and the one that followed it; some liked one, but not the other.  Those folks are drawing borders in imaginary countries I never want to visit; I’ll leave them to that.

What is absolutely undeniable, though, is that Weezer’s latest album, Make Believe (buy – no, wait, don’t!) sucks.  Just horrible.  It’s such a steaming monstrosity that record stores should be forced to keep it behind a protective lead curtain.  Its vomitous single “Beverly Hills” was nominated for a Grammy; that’s proof for you, right there.

Why does Weezer suck so hard, now, though?  Well, this story came across the wire yesterday (thanks, lora), and suddenly it’s all so clear:

Cuomo, in a Blender article, not only delusionally accepts his ongoing celibacy, but embraces MTV’s forced reworking of his “We Are All on Drugs” lyrics (it’s now “we are all on love” – but either way, the song reeks) and answers the query “What’s the most ridiculous decadent thing you’ve ever bought?” with “I give a lot of money away to family and friends and charity.”

Well, charity, it’s time to give back:  Rivers Cuomo needs to get laid. 

Rock and Roll demands it.  While abstinence might be the best way to avoid getting AIDS, it’s the worst way to get down.  Here, a sampling of work produced by artists who weren’t getting a whole lotta love:

You remove the “sex” from sex-drugs-rock-n-roll and the whole bidness goes gutterballing off the road.

Now I hear you saying, “Sure, Weezer sucks, but what can I do to help?”  The way I see it, there are two approaches to charity:

Donate your money, or donate your services.

Second-part-first:  You, yes you, could volunteer to fuck Rivers Cuomo.  And if not yourself, you could volunteer a close friend, a loved one, the cherished family pet.  Anything with an orifice and a pulse.  Let’s not get choosy, here:  It’s for the love of Rock and Roll, people.

“18 year-old girl in small city in Japan?”  Rivers NEEDS you, now.  Jen, Lyn, Catherine?  Denise, Sharise, Louise?  Manny, Mo, Jack?  Stand up, bend over, and be counted!  “We never had any serious groupies, anway,” Cuomo told Blender.  “Our generation got screwed.”  As a member of his generation, I say:  Our time is now.  Come, let a little of Rivers run through you.

According to Cuomo’s “secret” myspace page (you’re forwarded there from the www.riverscuomo.com link on the official Weezer site) he only has 26 friends!  We need to show him he has more options than that.  And your options?

This is what I’ve come up with:  If you’re a myspace member you can go and leave Rivers a message on his page; if you’re not, and you don’t want to join, feel free to e-mail me at getriverslaid(AT)gmail.com* and I will make it my mission to see that he gets all messages.  Tell him how much, how long, how hard and just how you want to fuck him.  Or get fucked by him.  Positions?  Pictures?  All fine.  Get as crazy as U wanna be (just – please – no obscene photos in the comments area, here, thanks).  Just want to say, “I’m in!”?  That’s fine, too.  It’s not meant to be rocket science.

You half-Japanese girls don’t have to do it for him every time – just this one!  He has to know that the love is out there, and if we need to form an entire Rivers Cuomo Sex Corps, dammit, we will!  We need to keep hammering away 'til he starts singing about how he’s tired of having sex, again.

If you can’t pretend to give your body (or want to, but have some communicable disease worse than Weezer’s last CD)... pretend to give your money!  I hereby announce the creation of the totally-fictional Rivers Cuomo Hooker Fund.  Participants should pledge what they’d figure to pay for a good Weezer CD... and since I don’t believe any CD should cost more than $10, that will be the standard pledge amount.  My fictional Hamilton’s in the kitty.  So to speak.  Comment below or e-mail me at getriverslaid(AT)gmail.com*; I’ll keep a running tally and approximate what kind of tail we can get Mr. Cuomo.

Again:  You will never have to part with your money, nor your precious bodily fluids.  This is merely a show of faith... one that will hopefully become an orgy of enthusiasm.  Rivers Cuomo needs to know that We, the record-buying public, demand he get fucked, and get fucked now.

*I solemnly swear to keep all e-mail addresses and incriminating photos a secret; I do reserve the right to reprint – anonymously – anything I find particularly amusing... and frankly hope to do so.

tags: weezer  rivers cuomo  fun with ms paint  

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