"He Runs Through the Crowd Naked and He Eats His Own Shit. Big Deal." (Hello, American Idol, Hello.)

The post-Chikezie team fielded on this season's American Idol does nothing for me, but come NEIL DIAMOND WEEK I couldn't not watch.  Long-time readers - well, all those have gotten frustrated and gone elsewhere.  But accidental click-arounders might know I've had a longstanding interest in Friends of Neil.

So:  Jason Castro, David Cook, Brooke White, David Archuleta, Syesha Mercado.  Friends, or phooey?

I'm surprised how much the entire Top 5 annoy me.  Castro and White started out refreshing, low-key counterpoints to the standard-issue overblown Idol archetypes.  Neither ever learned to play more than one note, though, and have been dully doing time. (When Starbucks announced it was retreating from the music biz, I was shocked those two didn't magically disappear.)  Mercado so consistently underachieves that it's hard to believe that 10,000 other women couldn't be taking her turn and doing a better job with it.  Cook, who might actually win this thing, has a good voice and some lack of complacency; he annoys because within the world of this show he's heralded as some sort of musical genius.

And David Archuleta annoys because he's Pure Evil Suck.  He is horrible music personified.  I can't wait until he's old enough to legally punch in the face.  I can't wait until he's old enough to light on fire and leave on a neighbor's porch while we ring the doorbell and run off and a crotchety old man comes out and stomps on him.  Legally.  Are those even sentences?  Maybe.  Whatever.  Jesus, that kid's annoying.

Each contestant got a chance to annoy us with two NEIL songs, tonight.  Somehow, Archuleta (who looks a little like E.T., but more like Cha-Ka) did not choose "Heartlight."  Instead he sucked the BUM-BUM-BUM out of the much-beloved/hated "Sweet Caroline," a song best saved for late Friday nights when teams of middle-aged women collectively seek refuge from loneliness and last call; and, in Idol's most panderiffic performance since Kristy Lee Yee-Ha sang "I'm Gonna Give Every Sailor in the Room a Handjob," ended "We're Coming to America" with a rousing, AT&Teetastic "Let freedom ring!"  Horrid.

[Speaking of phones, have you seen that ad where Meat Loaf recreates "Paradise by the Dashboard Light" - a song about negotiating your way into a girl's pants - with his son?  (Well, an actor playing his son.)  Is anyone else severely weirded out by this?  And why is Tiffany carrying a leg of lamb?  Does she plan on clubbing her incestuous husband and stepson to death and then devouring the murder weapon?  This all would never have happened were Phil Rizzuto still around.

GoPhone, the preferred handset of boys who want to fuck their dads.]

The only other interesting things about AI this week were how Brooke looked less comfortable than post-preacher Obama while singing "I'm a Believer," and how Future Paula Abdul started judging contestants' second performances before they happened.  (To move things along, the first efforts didn't get individual appraisals; the judges gave a sort of group summary from "notes" they had "taken."  This should have been Paula's chance to shine:  Instead of repeating the same bullshit praise for each person individually she could have dropped a single "You all look wonderful tonight.")

No one sang my favorite NEIL song, "Crunchy Granola Suite."  But you know Castro secretly wanted to.

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I know.  I KNOW.  Back off.

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Speaking of things crunchy and sweet, the recently activated Pitchfork.tv has decided to live up to its acronym and screen, for one week only, Film Threat staple G.G. Allin:  Hated.  I strongly suggest watching it, especially if you're at work.  Especially on your lunch break.  The scene where a naked woman urinates into G.G.'s mouth until he vomits cements this as a modern cinematic masterpiece.  Throughout the film, pretty much anything that can come out of a human body does, then gets shoved back in.  Perfect for Earth Day Week.

A couple friends of mine did crew time on the flick - easily Todd Phillips' funniest - and I hadn't seen it since its premiere (I think) at Anthology Film.  The scene at the NYU student center where Allin shoves a banana up his ass and chucks chairs at the audience was much tamer than I'd remembered.  Still, most acts these days only figuratively fling feces at their fans.

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I was going to do a big frilly post about Wanda Jackson, who rocks, but I think I'll just say that she does rock, that "Fujiyama Mama" (which you can stream at this tribute myspace) and "Hot Dog!  That Made Him Mad" and about a dozen other songs of hers are total classics, that this collection is a blast.

She's also included on the latest muxtape makeover, which is all short n' fierce early rock n' rollishness.

tags: american idol  gg allin  meatloaf  muxtape  neil diamond  hello my friend hello  

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