Ben and/or Jerry Got Me Drunk, Took Advantage

They’re already destroying our hearts; now they want our livers.

Some people go digging for crocus, some chase robins.  Me, I know Spring has sprung when Ben & Jerry spoon out their annual batch of new flavors.

It’s here, they’re here, and an insidious plot is avat.

This year’s group features the usual assortment of puns and rehashes.  Neapolitan Dynamite is simply a “mixed batch” of Cherry Garcia and Chocolate Fudge Brownie.  Vermonty Python is basically Dublin Mudslide with its cookies crumbled and a few fudgy Bovinity Divinity cows flung in (What?  No elderberries?).  There’s another take on the turtle sundae (“Turtle Soup,” this year), and an assortment of sorbets no one will ever buy.

Also:  Black & Tan.  Not a standard mix-in, it claims to be “Cream Stout Ice Cream Swirled with Chocolate Ice Cream.”  As a former Guinness drinker, I was suspicious.  And drooling.  The stout part does indeed taste like stout.  Eaten together, though, it’s overwhelmed; “Black & Tan” is basically very creamy chocolate ice cream with a bitter aftertaste.  And no buzz.  There’s no alcohol in it, of course...

Wait.  Of course?  The friendly little note on the side of the pint made me suspicious:

“We've no idea how many Ben & Jerry's fans might be beer enthusiasts, but we suspect that once you've tasted the way we've blended real cream stout ice cream with a whirl of chocolate ice cream, you might soon be raising more than a few pints of Black & Tan - and more than a few brew-aha!'s too.”

Are the wholesome, recombinant bovine growth hormone-opposing hippies at B&J trying to get us drinking?  As if ice cream weren’t addictive enough, is it now some kind of gateway drug?  I did a little digging and stumbled across next year’s releases.  Desperate, weird, and riddled with controlled substances, these flavors guarantee you’ll never get the Chunky Monkey off your back:

It starts off simple-stupid enough:  Cuervo-sauced cream with a twist of lime sorbet.  At the bottom of the pint, of course, a gummy worm.

Peach ice cream with schnapps and vodka mixed in (along with cranberry, orange, and pineapple juices).  And because those communal freaks are always so literal, there’s a silicon swirl and a used condom.

On a diet?  This one’s for you!  A delectable combination of non-fat strawberry, blueberry and raspberry sorbets riddled with whole rocks of crack cocaine!  Your house will never be dirty again.

I’ll let the carton do the talking on this one:

“If you’re like us, you remember Woodstock like it was yesterday!  “Don’t eat the brown acid,” heh-heh.  Well, that’s a lot harder when it’s been diligently blended into a pint of the world’s most delicious ice cream!  The ice cream itself... to tell you the truth, we found a few batches of Rum Raisin left over from 1994.  We don’t know if that stuff ever turns... but neither will you!  By adding generous amounts of lysergic acid diethylamide-25 – our only non-organic compound! – we’ve guaranteed you won’t be able to feel your tongue.  Don’t forget how to swallow!  And remember:  Those are raisins, not bugs.  Or are they?!  And are you eating the ice cream, or is it eating you?!  AH!  AAAAAAAAH!  Just fucking with you.  Enjoy!”

Grape ice cream with yogurt-covered dates and a tangy Rohypnol swirl!  Nothing questionable here.

And there’s more.  “Babysitter’s Delight” is described as vanilla fudge ice cream with “a capful of everything from the liquor cabinet – but not enough so anyone’d notice.”  “Exxon Valdez” is “Double Vodka ice cream” with a rich glob of 10W40 and fudgy, slick cormorants and sea otters stranded throughout.  “Bud Lite” is low-fat coconut sorbet with chunks of pot brownies, and “Lonely Housewife” seems to be little more than Death by Chocolate with a splash of Tanqueray and a subscription to Soap Opera Digest.

Like you, no doubt, I find this all a bit disturbing, but nothing raises my ire more than laziness.  With that in mind, I give you next year’s final flavor:

It’s just a frozen pint of Colt 45.

*

[How depressing is this:  I went and Googled “Ben & Jerry” bukkake and there were 1,140 matches.  It’s all been done, folks, it’s all been done.]

tags: pete doherty  ben and jerry  fun with ms paint  

links: digg this    del.icio.us    reddit